I am an absolute failure at telling people I disagree with them. I hate conflict and I hate making people feel badly. Assuming people are going to feel badly about themselves because I have a different opinion than they do is an arrogant assumption I know. I’m working on it. It’s that angle or I don’t want them to feel badly about me… I get those two confused some times.
It really is all about me most days. I just hate debating issues. I’m not good at it and I rarely win. I can tell a person what I think and feel, but if I have to defend that in such a way that it feels like the other person wants me to convince them I’m right? That’s another story all together. Most times I chose not to say anything at all and that situation has me in hot water a lot these days.
I’m in hot water because now I have all this feeling behind the opinion. And I have opinions people aren’t used to hearing. I am getting better though.
One thing I need to work on this year — getting over the whole pastor phobia deal. No seriously, you know how some people have snake phobias? Well, I have pastor phobias… especially if they are wearing that black and white death suit of theirs. Reminds me of Darth Vader… chills.
Imagine having a pastor phobia, being in a speech class under a pastor and you hear her say THIS… to another student, loudly enough that she is obviously engaging the class:
“Well you know that Martin Luther doesn’t believe in works, right? I mean EVERYONE knows he wanted the whole book of James removed from the Bible. Lutherans only believe in Grace.” —
It really seemed like one of the pastors adamantly agreed with her. And now I am faced with two pastors on one side and I felt like defenseless cheese.
We’re talking feelings here and not necessarily facts.
What struck me though — after I sifted through the names I wanted to call her adn how I sat there and said nothing, but stewed for two days – is I had paid almost $2,000 to be in the particular class. My instructor is erroneously bashing Martin Luther and as a result, I feel insulted to the point that I missed every thing else she said. She had my bio, she knew I was Lutheran. My anger at her comments had rendered me speechless.
I spent a long time being angry with myself for not speaking up and now I also realise that:
1. She was incorrect not only in her theological history but in her attitude as well.
2. Her actions were unprofessional.
And I felt powerless to do anything about it.
I want to handle things differently next time. I’m not sure how I’ll go about it yet. But I’ll figure it out.
Have you ever been there? What would you have done? How would you have handled it?
When I picked up Fearless by Max Lucado, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Fear is definitely an issue with me and everyone who knows me, knows that. My husband’s company downsized last Spring, cutting our income by 10%. My youngest son has epilepsy and my oldest just left for college. There are a lot of things to fear in life these days, and yet Max Lucado doesn’t just write about the problem of fear, he tackles solutions and breaks them down into achievable steps.
Countless times, I have read books on fear and been left with a list of more things to be afraid of than what I started with. That just isn’t the case with this book. Max Lucado covers my real and imagined fears with such solid clarity and scriptural truth that my heart can’t help but feel lighter. This isn’t a feel good, don’t be afraid kind of book. Nowhere does Max over spiritualize the real issue of fear. Instead he meets me where I am, takes my hand and invites me to walk with him in an exciting journey of truth, faith, and hope.
This book gives real solutions to very real problems facing us today and it comes with a study guide in the back for those who wish to go deeper still. I definitely recommend reading it.
I am a member of Thomas Nelson’s Book Review Blogger program.If you are a blogger and would like to participate, check out http://brb.thomasnelson.com/ for more information.
“Because the sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced.”
My greatest fear, isn’t being disliked. My greatest fear is being publically humiliated. Hate me all you want, just don’t embarass me. I’m pretty sure that this is a true statement for all of us in some fashion or another. I love attention, just not that kind.
My husband sent me this bible verse Thursday night after I’d told him how unsure I was that I’d made the right decision in traveling for this workshop. I was feeling very guilty for leaving home after he’d been gone so long. What if my kids needed me, what if something happened. Or worse, what if I was gone and they figured out that they could get along just fine without me. I was also feeling very selfish for pursing a “my dream” kind of deal.
Leaving Corporate America ten years ago was both the best and worst things I could have done. It was the best in that I have a family that I am proud of of having a part in raising. It was the worst because with that career went my definition of who I was. Returning to the workforce at 43, scares me. I’m behind, I’m out of touch with the industries and technologies today. My learning curve has increased expotentially. Some days I wonder if I will ever catch back up.
I’m not alone. I’m not white-knuckeling my way through this mine field of change. I’m in Christ and because of Him, and who he is, I will not be humiliated. He guides my path, my only role is to trust him and practice using the gifts he has placed in front of me.
Looking not so far into the future that I become intimidated and overwhelmed, I simply look for the next right action, remember to breath and walk the steps He has numbered for me today.
Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.
1. I was born near Syracuse NY and raised in: Buffalo NY, Bridgeport NY, Endicott NY, Cleveland OH, Cincinnati OH, Columbus OH, Atlanta GA, Fort Walton Beach FL, Detroit MI, Southfield MI, Redford MI. – I’e also lived in Sweden, IL and OK.
2. I’m an artist – I love scrapbooking, photography, and designing jewlery.
3 – I have a knack for speaking first and thinking – eventually – making my husband laugh from under a lot of tables and my pastor to hang his head and blush. – I call it being a UFO – Unintentionally Funny Orator. Basically that little filter from the brain to the mouth – doesn’t work.
4. I met my husband at work in Chicago 20 years ago and wouldn’t go out with him until he told me that he played guitar in a rock band – true story.
5. I love a lot of people but don’t get to spend nearly as much time with them as I would like.
6. I used to be an actress, my “claim to fame” was a Work Place Issues video filmed while I worked for Williams Companies. Depressing really, but I still have the video. It was my only paid acting gig, ever.
7. I used to think I knew who I was until I realized that I spent the first 40 years of my life defining myself by how I thought others saw me. I lived to please others, and hurt myself a lot in the process.
8. If God lined up all of the teenage boys in the world and told me I could pick whichever two I wanted, I would pick Charlie and Dillon every time.
9. I love God with everything I have and I‘m learning to believe that the feeling is mutual.
10. Raising boys is harder than I thought it would be. I find myself saying things I never dreamed would ever come out of my mouth – phrases like “No you cannot drive your go cart off the roof to make it look like it’s flying for your video.” and “No you cannot send that frog into space. Please untie the helium balloons and use a GI Joe instead.” There are other phrases, but you get the gist.
11. I have a half sister I never really knew.
12. I left corporate America to be a stay home mom, and learned that staying home is harder than working for a corporation – but the benefits are fabulous and I’d do it again in a heart beat.
13. I am a bibliophile and have a room in my house dedicated to books and reading. I want to be an author and study other authors to learn how to write better.
14. I’m a really good cook – but don’t take the time as often as I’d like.
15. I actually love public speaking – I’m not sure if it’s because I was raised an only child by a single mom and think it’s all about me – or what. I tend to crave attention – mostly though – it’s just really fun for me today because it used to scare me.
16. There was a time when speaking in general terrified me, even if it was just to say hi to someone. I used to be so shy and so scared that I would literally shake in new situations. I preferred to be invisible, but secretly wished someone would notice me. Learning how to overcome that took years of prayer and practice.
17. I love facilitating Beth Moore Bible Studies (personal hero)- and I love going to our Mom’s Group at Church (Bad Girls of the Bible) and just hanging with my friends.
18. I love praise and worship music and I love the old hymns. I believe that both bring pleasure to God. He looks to the heart of man, and I’m thankful for that because my singing ain’t all that great.
19. I wasn’t raised in the church – and when I finally joined one, it took me years to get over the fear of being kicked out. – That’s what happens when you look through broken glasses. – I didn’t really know what Grace was until I experienced a personal failure and then got drowned by Grace in ways I still cannot put into words. – I actually turned in my ministry resignation to God that year – funny thing is, he acted like he never saw it and just kept pouring out more and more gifts and opportunities to serve. I’ll never figure him out.
20. When I was growing up I wanted to be, a circus clown, an actress, or married to a rock star. – uhm.. Goals were not my strong suit. – so I married an up an coming rock star – who is now a praise and worship leader on top of his full time corporate career – and is strongly studying to be a worship pastor and I’m thinking God has an amazing sense of humor.
21. I love Oklahoma, but wish we did not live so far away from my family. We’ve been here for 16 years and we didn’t’ get to see our nieces and nephews grow up, and my boys don’t know their cousins. And I think that’s sad.
22. I have the heart of an artist – and weird (eclectic) taste in clothing.
23. I sometimes miss my corporate job – I audited line costs and kept track of regulatory pricing, negotiated local contracts with Bell Companies, designed long distance circuit layouts, and installed switches. I felt smart when I worked there – I have had to remind myself sometimes that smart is smart no matter what you do and a career does not define my value. But I still miss it.
24. When I was 15, I wanted to be an exchange student. I didn’t’ think I could, but I applied any way. The essay question was tell me about your life. I wanted to throw it away but an adult friend told me to tell the truth and turn it in. I lived in a single parent home, my mom only made about $10k per year and she was a recovering alcoholic. I’d moved almost 15 times in my life, my grades were B’s, our house was only about 1,000 sf – I knew the competition – kids from two parent homes with stay home mom’s and straight A’s. – I didn’t think I stood a chance. He knew all the lofty “right” answers – his favorite author was Shakespeare and mine was Erma Bombeck. I really thought there was no way.
After the essay – I was first runner up – then came the interview – this is what they told me – “Because of what recovery has done for your family, and the life issues that you have overcome, which have made you stronger – we believe you are the right candidate” – And just like that I got to be a Rotary International Exchange Student and live in Sweden for a year and they paid for the whole thing – I even got to go to the Nobel Awards and meet the King (which would be when I told him he was shorter than I thought he’d be. ) That’s when I really learned that my past can be my greatest asset.
25. For this decade in my life, I’m exploring the world God has called me into – studying everything I can get my hands on – learning public speaking, writing sketches and learning stand up. I’m learning how to find the courage to say “I want to learn from you.” I’m learning about who I am – and more and more about who He is – and I feel like I’m falling in love all over again.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Most of you know that I took a memory verse challenge for 2009. On the first and 15th of the month, I check in on a blog and leave my memory verse – with the promise that I will write in on my spiral index cards and memorize or at least meditate on that particular verse.
I had a harder time finding a verse this week. And then this one jumped out at me, so here we are. Another strong and courageous verse – gotta love it. And considering my fun with Pauline yesterday – this is one of the answers to her fears.
Pauline might have been born scared, but she lives free in Christ – which is really the message I’m working on building around her.
Everyone has an alter ego of some kind. If you don’t, don’t tell me. I do and her name is Pauline. Pauline travels the landscape of my mind – and the MOKA states when asked, bringing her E-Pistol friends Timidity and Fear. Pauline likes to tell people that she hails from the remote town of Rattle Snake Gulch NY. She’s really from Bridgeport – the town next door, but that is such a boring name. I mean it’s in the middle of nowhere. There aren’t any ports and the only bridge they have is the bridge to Rattlesnake Gulch. So like Oklahoman’s who tell people they are really from Texas, Pauline hails just a little down the road and a lot left of center some days.
Most kids got sent to their rooms when they misbehaved. Pauline was sent outside to play in the creek.
You might say that Pauline was Born Scared.
This is her song.
Born scared, of the things that surround me My brain just astounds me With the things that it believes
So scared that whenever the wind blows I picture tornados And hide under my bed!
Born scared, of all snakes in the water Of pastors and lawyers And all circus clowns!
Born scared of mice, rats and spiders Of white castle blue sliders and monsters under my bed!
Born scared of the people around me They’re laughing and pointing And I have no place to hide.
Born scared, of the things that surround me My brain just astounds me With lies that it believes.
(Copyright, Deana O’Hara January 13, 2009 – this blog may not be reproduced without written permission of the author.)
True apologies are as rare as genuine forgiveness in the world today and yet the paradox for that is the over use of the word “Sorry.” At the risk of sounding discompassionate for a moment, I believe the term “sorry” is seriously over used and is a mask for hidden messages. The word “sorry” has very little do to with regret or repentance and a lot to do with relational manipulation. The word “sorry” has become dishonest.
I’m sorry it’s raining. ( I didn’t cause the rain, but I’ll apologize anyway because it upsets you when it rains and I don’t want you to be in a bad mood.)
I’m sorry it snowed. (ditto)
I’m sorry you had a bad day. (I’m sorry your bad day is now overflowing into mine.)
I’m sorry you don’t like dinner. (after spending all day cooking)
I’m sorry, didn’t see you. (When being crashed into by someone trying to walk past you.)
I’m sorry I don’t agree with you. – (Even though the other person’s opinion is racist or anti-christian.)
I’m sorry I didn’t vote for your guy. – (I’m not sorry I didn’t vote for Bill Clinton)
I’m sorry you don’t like my dress. (I’m sorry because your opinion matters and now I’m feeling insecure.)
I’m sorry I’m breathing your air.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
Quit apologizing already.
“Oh! Sorry!”
I know that it’s the polite thing to say – if you mean it. Sorry means regret as in “I’m really sorry I forgot to take your shirt to the cleaners today.” And we are supposed to teach our children how to apologize and how to forgive. And frankly, yes, the world needs more of that. Unfortunately though, “sorry” – has become so over used that it is a dishonest word in today’s world. It’s full of hidden meanings. None of which, in today’s climate communicate true repentance or desire to change. It’s simply used as a manipulative word to bring peace to the relationship.
Case in point – if someone bumps into you while walking past, don’t you say “sorry” as if to convey you regret being in their way. Were you in their way? Probably not and the secret meaning to “sorry” becomes “wow, I’m sorry you aren’t watching where you are going.” If someone holds a differing political opinion than I do, do I really feel regret? Yes and no. I may be regretting that my friend is too stupid to vote, but I don’t regret not sharing their views. Okay that one was a little on the extreme edge here, but do you see what I mean?
As women we are taught to apologize just to keep the peace. What we’re really doing is apologizing to avoid making other people feel uncomfortable which is both arrogant and selfish. I don’t have the power to make anyone take offense that’s their choice, and I don’t want someone upset with me because then I choose to feel insecure in the relationship.
Let’s face it, a lot of us want to be liked, so we apologize for our strengths. We apologize for our opinions, we apologize for our boundaries, we apologize for being alive and taking up space on planet earth, just to keep the peace.
Am I speaking to anyone? Or is it just me?
One of my mentors taught me years ago to weigh the cost of “sorry.” She told me to really think about it before I said it. Sorry is a word of regret and repentance. I need to neither regret nor repent of having strengths, tastes, or opinions that differ from others. I need not regret nor repent of being born either.
Sorry is a word to be used when my actions have a negative impact on another human being. It’s a word of power and strength. It’s a word of compassion when used properly. But we don’t use it properly. We water it down, and build weak bridges with it to keep ourselves from feeling uncomfortable. And we tend to over use it with people we hold in higher esteem than ourselves.
“I’m sorry” is not a patch to smooth over someone else’s feelings or a mask to hide my own. It’s a word of healing and like any good medicine, it becomes toxic to the body and soul of our relationships if over used.
Most of you have read my previous blog “These Are the Days of Neurosis” and I just wanted to share the coolest thing with you. Well, it’s cool to me anyway.
Several people I know have been sharing this new year about fear and questioning, about encouragement and whatnot. A lot of us have been inventorying 2008, the blessings, the failures, the mistakes, all of it. And several have shared about a knowing need to return to the basics of faith. The simple things really that give us our foundation for encouragement and strength. Daily prayer time, memorizing scripture and whatever else. Not just just one or two people mind you – but like a dozen of people I know have shared this with me over the past week.
I’m excited really to know that I am not the only one who is easily distracted, who tires of projects before they are completed, who steps out and tries something new and meets fear first and answered prayer second. A friend of mine talked about fearless courage as her goal for this year and I thought that was cool – I’m not there – but I’m trying.
I finished the forms that freaked me out and will be mailing them today. In my morning prayers and devotional time I looked for passages on being called and being encouraged, and I found this.
God’s promises are true for all of us – for me and for you. Look at his promises in 2 Thessalonians 2:13-17
We are:
* loved“But we ought always to thank God for you, brothers, loved by the Lord,
* Chosen – because from the beginning God chose you to be saved through the sanctifying work of the Spirit and through belief in the truth. * Called – “He called you to this through our gospel, that you might share in the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ.
In knowing that. Knowing that we are loved, chosen and called, how can we not stand firm in what we’ve been taught.
* Encouraged and strengthened – So then, brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter. May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.
In another blog, I read and was reminded that God’s mercies renew each morning, and not just on New Years Day.
It’s a new morning, fear said it’s prayers and is encouraged. You and I get to stand firm and hold on. God will take care of the rest. He is our encouragement, he is our strength.
I have a New Year’s confession to make. My resolution for “faith not fear in 2009″ expired on January 3 at 8:00 pm Tulsa Time. A personal neurotic fit quickly followed.
I will spare you the details – it was a simple questionaire that put me over the edge really – nothing more nothing less. A stupid piece of paper that had me stumped.
Today I taught my first Sunday School of the new year, and was happy to see women came back. – I took a full year off and wasn’t sure if they would, honestly. But they did, and it went well.
Pastor is doing a sermon series this month on Trust. Today was about leaning not unto my own understanding, but rather trusting God, with everything – for his ways are not my ways. And I can either take him at His word, or not. My choice. – Trust should be a verb he said – it’s shown through action and do my actions show that I trust God? sure they do, right up until I fall into the deep end of the pool without my floaties.
Earlier this evening, I sat down with my Bible in hand, and it occurred to me that I’ve been reading it for everything else – preparing messages, researching topics, etc. But I had not once since ThanksGiving I’m guessing – sat down and just read for me. I was in the middle of talking to God about the events of the last few days, my dreams for the future and my present frustrations. I was also telling him that “maybe I shouldn’t do thus and such, I mean it’s a big step and I’m probably just running ahead of myself again. Lord I need your wisdom.”
I was planning on going to psalms. Psalms are easy to find – open your Bible to the middle and go left. The binding on my home bible is busted and so it falls open rather easily. When I looked down to see where my hand had fallen, my eyes fell on the highlighted passage.
(Isaiah 41:9-10) – “I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’: I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you: I will up hold you with my righteous right hand.”
The only question he had for me tonight was “Are you going to believe my promises from your brokenness and think they apply to someone else, and not you, or are you going to believe ME?”
I have a girlfriend moment here – a couple of weeks ago, God blessed me with an email from someone in the body who read my blog and liked it enough to ask permission to link to it. I sat and stared at the email and cried. Joyous tears mind you. This email was from a writer I admire. Someone who’s own speaker’s classes I’ve yet to attend because of finances, but want to dearly.
I was simultaneously thrilled and scared. He read my blog? oohh – The holy spirit left my brain and Deana kicked in. I can’t write now.. what if I write something stupid and he sees it.
Yep – me at my most real – fearful and neurotic.
Then God kicked in… somewhere deep and still and said “write baby girl, write.”
I know what Joy would tell me, if I’d shared this with her, “Well aren’t you full of yourself today?” Which is her way of saying “get over yourself and focus on God.”
So.. My eyes are back on the author and perfector of my faith.. I had a blog here for today, and the rapport step was just supposed to be the opening. Then I decided I liked the opening, but not the blog. So.. I’m leaving the opening for now. I hope you don’t mind.
I have a feeling, I’ll be looking at riders next year. Not the focus I was planning – but it’s the message that keeps finding me.
Be blessed.
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You’ve heard of hanging chads right, well this is a hanging rapport step. I learned about Rapport Steps from a workshop I went to last summer. After listening to our teacher take us into her stories in such a way that I felt like I was really there, I laid down everthing I thought I knew about speaking, put myself on hiatus and became a full blown student.
I hate it when I listen to a speaker and they use a story that obviously isn’t theirs, it robs them (in my eyes) of authenticity. Her stories were real and they made a real difference. I want to learn how to use my own experiences as rapport steps to stay authentic.
As a writer and speaker I know that rapport steps are supposed to be written last. I originally wrote this one to open a very specific message. Only when I finished writing it, I realized it didn’t fit with that message anymore.
As I’ve said before,I’m a teacher and I’m also student. I have been blessed to speak at various retreats and events over the years and right now I am on an intentional hiatus. Right now I’m putting myself thoughtfully and with purpose at the feet of people who are gifted in this area, traveling to do so when needed, so that I might learn from them. I have talent as far as speaking goes, and I get to use that talent, for God, in my own church at times. I also feel led by God to stretch that wall farther out. I want to be better. Not much of a sales pitch right now, I know. But I’m not selling anything so it’s okay.
I really wanted to write a really spiritual blog for the end of the year, after all everyone else is – instead dear readers, I leave you with a hanging rapport step as well as my heart. The heart of a student. The heart of a woman who knows the true rider first hand. A woman who sat by the fires of life only to have him appear out of the darkness, pick me up and carry me off.
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I love cowboys. Real cowboys make me weak in the knees and render me speechless. All that hat tippin, and the way they drawl out “Maaa’aam.” So polite and so tall. Who needs Armani suits and Hollister cologne? Give me a real cowboy any day; all rough and tumble, scarred hands and polite hearts, a love for God, family, the outdoors, and for this great country.
Cowboys bring out the wow, with a capital W.
Don’t worry – my husband already knows that real cowboys can make me swoon when I least expect it. He’s kind of okay with that now. He wasn’t always, but he’s learning to be.
Living in Oklahoma, you’d think that would be a given. Loving cowboys that is. But it isn’t a given if you are from up north and never met one before. I’ve only lived in Tulsa for 15 years and I didn’t meet a real live cowboy until just six years ago. His name is Dale and he goes to my church. His wife, Janel used to teach Bible studies when we first joined Our Savior, and when I met her she was engaged to this tall drink of water cowboy who helped with her ranch. She was smitten. Jo, as we call her, is from Montana, she’s a rancher and it only makes sense that she would marry another rancher. Everyone was dying to meet him. And meet him, we did. That’s when I found out that cowboys can make me swoon.
They were having a cowboy BBQ at her ranch complete with a bon fire and the whole church was invited. As we were walking up, Jeff and I could see someone squatting down over a dug out pit in the ground, stirring a pot of cowboy chili so we went over to introduce ourselves.
Dale saw us approach and stood up to say hello. I think he’s about 6’2, but I’m not sure. I just know he’s tall. Dale shook Jeff’s hand and I stuck out mine to shake his. He looked at my hand and then this cowboy slowly turned to look at me. Instead of shaking my hand, he bent at the knees just a touch, touched the front rim of his hat, with his right hand, bowed his head ever so slightly, looked me in the eyes, held my gaze, and drawled out this “Maa’aaam” like I’d never heard it before.
My whole body just went limp. My hand that I’d stretched out to shake his suddenly found the collar of my denim jacket and didn’t know what to do. My eyes widened trying to take in the whole picture. My cheeks turned bright pink, and my mature grown woman’s alto voice, cracked and giggled like a school girl. All that came out my throat was an estrogen blush of a whisper of “oh my!”
Ah yes, that was definitely a day and year to remember. And if I forget, Jeff won’t. He hung his head and buried his face in his right hand like he does when I’ve done something crazy – it’s the “Let the world just swallow me right now” sign he sends from time to time. Dale turned and winked at him and when he saw him later he said “Sorry man.”
Later at the bon fire, I saw Dale ride in from out of the darkness, pass Jo, reach down and in one swoop pick her up and place her on the horse behind him and off they rode.
WOW
What woman doesn’t want a rider like THAT? ————————-
Side note: Dale and Jo got married the following year, and we were all there. They still go to our church and have two beautiful children. Raising young kids and teaching horseback riding keep Jo too busy to teach, but they are still our friends. And I still like cowboys – riders make me swoon what can I say? With good reason, but I’m ahead of myself.
This video clip is “Cowgirls Don’t Cry”, with Brooks and Dunn and Reba at the CMA’s. I love the message in this song – it came out originally with the movie “Flicka” – and it stuck with me all these years.
The whole Cowgirls don’t cry thing, isn’t all that true – but the riding part? Definately.
